when guilt and love comes along

the guilt, the love-- how should i react?? i couldnt look at you face to face, but to hide away in tears.

all i felt is guilt: i am a lousy servant.. i didnt do what you wanted mii to do, i let worry and fear rule over/ having full control mii instead of your seed.. in my mind, i wanted to talk to you, but in action.. i just do not dare to speak it out. you must be very disappointed bahx! im so guilty for not being good enough..

yet you give me love: why do you still give mii love, why do you answer my call?? i am not even worthy for all these..

how should i react: when i stand in your presence, i do not dare to look up onto you, i do not dare to see your face, i do not dare to talk to you, i do not dare to go near to you... im full of guilt, too unworthy to be called yours.. all i do is close my eyes to shed my tears, wad should i do? i just couldnt open my eyes to see you, lift up my head to see you.. i just couldnt talk to you, not even "im sorry"... all i heard is mii talking to myself, blaming myself for what i had done.. thinking why do you still bring mii near and answer mii, for that instant second, i was shocked.. i do not know how to react.. i hate myself for not giving my best to you,... in the end, i just couldnt stand it... i run and hide away

i just do not have the ability to speak in front of ppl : that why i quited prefect 2 years ago, that why i do not wish to continue to be a monitress this year.. that why i hated being a librarian and a sectional leader and band... i only mess things up and not helping all.. disappoint all the ppl.. so please please please do not ask mii to lead in any ways...

a hand

haix.. todae lead worship in cell group.. super super super scared niax... almost start to tremble and shiver le!!!.. words just cant flow from my mouth.. i tried to hold the hand of the one sitting beside me, at least it makes feel that i am not alone.. bt it just slip off.. why?? i couldnt find the warmth and the security, the support and the encouragement i found in baoxuan's hand.. i couldnt find the sweetest, the warmest hug i found in yu jie which melts all the worry and fear.. i couldnt find the *blink and the wink* when i scan around the room, i can only find it in band, they didnt hv to do anyting, didnt hv do sae a single word, just give a wink and a blink which lightens up my spirit, knowing that they are there to support and cast all my worry and fear away.. but when i scan around, i only found the stares of disapproving, thank you so much ppl, thank you for the actions that cease all my worry and fear silently.. although we don't it at work, we can feel it.... just simple gestures, holding hands tight together, hugging together, giving a sign of a blink and a wink... its more than enough

school holiday is ending!

this is the last saturday before school starts le!!.. so fast!!!... just finish 3 mock exams this week- e math, physics and chemistry.. haha, but many ppl didnt turn up in the end... haha.. half the hall is empty!!

went bugis with baoxuan yesterday, walk walk walk walk walk and walk walk walk... until very tired!! haha... but bought a watch, a shirt and a pair of mickey mouse earrings.. haha...

hiax... hope can switch back to "school mood" when school reopens, hiax.. dun bear to let holidae to over juz lyk dat!!

wedding sunday

18 june 2006- how many people choose this day for wedding?? i saw at least 3 wedding cars at different time at different places!!... haha..* happy occasion *

(x): going for camp le right?? take care and enjoy worx!!.. will miss you all alot de! :)

HoLiDae------ FLYING AWAY

june holidae- coming to an end soon. this is already the 2nd last week[ the only week that can be called a" holiday"] haha, next week is going to be another busy week!! mock exams after mock exams, extra lessons at least 4 hours a day!...

this week watch 2 movies-:

[omen]- with Chai min, kaserin and Hongyi, *2.5 stars* , its about something like "son of the demon", story line abit like "final destination"... haix, bt i doesnt have a nice ending!

[The Silent Hill]- with Bao xuan, * 3.5 stars* , its a story about a mum finding her daughter in the ruin city- the silent hill.. some scenes are very gross, tearing out the person's skin, burning live peroson to death- the way they burn the withches.. haha, this reminds me of my brother saying wanting to be a "wizard", checking out the books of " How to become a wizard/witch?" haha... wonder how real is wizard and witches in the world?? black magics and witchcrafts?? -scarii thoughts- : dont ever get near such stuffs.. haha, i wouldnt want a wizard in my house!!!! wahhahaha.... stay away..............

a rainy day

just now had a heavy rain, even my umbrella is of little use.. by the time i reach home is all wet. it's not a good experience, have you tried walking alone, holding on to the weak umbrella that is going to be blown away at anytime, shivering and trembling in cold, listening to the harsh cry of the wind, everything before you is blurry.. ??

hi little kitten, took a few photos for you, hope to see you next week. Take care, and stay away from naughty people and bullies!

AGAINST

she is just purely against the idea, against the belief that i had strongly rooted in my heart. she had never show any concern for my study, it's only till i ask her about going to church on sunday then she come up with excuses saying that " you need more time to study, your examinations are coming. it takes up too much of your time", OR things like "you are just being BRAINWASHED." She would rather me to go shopping with friends the whole day, spending money the whole day, rather than to allow me to go to church for just a few hours." wait till you are 21 years old, when you are more mature to make decisions for yourself "

WHY WHY and WHY?? WHAT DID I DO to make her so against the idea?? it seems that i had never been good enough in her mind before, everything i did is wrong. She has never been satisfied with with my actions. What wrong did i do??i know sometimes im lazy, but that doesnt mean i dont care.( to her, im just a selfish, irresponsible creature). i know sometimes i gets moody, but i had never vented my anger on her, i had never vent it on her properties, i had never broke a glass just because i was angry.[is this really so unaccptatble?? does she know that im already trying my best to bewhat she wanted? i CANT be PERFECT. can she understand this?] other then these, i don't cause her any trouble in school, i don't ask her for things, for extra money( which i obviously needed). Is all parents like this?? *honour your parents* it's so difficult. such a difficult situation, choosing between God and parents, both are important yet they can't exist together. If i choose God first, my relationship with mumii suffers.(Reverse is true). Can somebody help me? Who in this world can convince my mummi?