An End to Disappointment

Will there be an end to these ever recurring disappointment?
Yes, the day that you hope no more. Expects no more.

Well, some people may say that we can lessen the disappointment by having lesser expectation and hoping for less. But the love of God is certainly one thing that I can't compromise and expect for less. Such a sad thing to see that you don't love God. Then the angels nodded.

Isn't' it nice to have someone who can rebuke you lovingly? This world is filled with enough people-pleaser who cheers you on in ALL you do(regardless of BAD or good). Someone who truly loves is someone who supports you in the noble causes and rebukes you in the poor decisions. There are so many kinds of rebuke that I received in my life.

First all rebukes points us to the truth and the consequences and hope that we do something about it. However, what differs is how they reacts to our reaction on their rebuke.

1. Loving rebuke-  Respects our decisions with no judgement and condemnation. but waits hopefully for the day that you repent.  I got the first type of rebuke from my mentors and family. They made me really feel loved and respects all my decisions. They accepts me with loving arms even when I returned full with hurts and scars. They let me pick how I would want to learn my lesson- through explicit instruction and the stories of others or my own foolish mistakes and hardship. I grow under their loving rebuke.

2. Disgusted rebuke-  Puts critical judgement and condemnation in our poor decision. ( Focusing on making us feel lousy). I got some of this type of rebuke from my friends. At first, it worked on me a little, not because I really believe in the "truth" but more because I really care about how other think of me. I wanted others to have the best impression of me and each of my stupid decision just left more black marks and make me feel lousy and condemned. After countless attempts to erase these black marks, I sort of give up. I can never be angelic before them with so much stains left behind. Then my goal changed- not to make better decisions, but to make me feel better by judging them back! Like a sweet revenge, Who are they to judge me? They may have more ugly flaws than me, a bunch of hypocrites.

3. Blackmail rebuke- Using authorities to force you to compel to the "truth" or  blackmail and threatens till we do so. I was brought up free-spirited, no one really controls or manipulates me by imposing on my decisions(thought I was often controlled by circumstances out of my control), I got very worked up when AJ tried to forced me to compel to her "truth" by her authority,  I think it just made me more rebellious, yes. I did NOT conformed to what she deem is better for me and I was even more determined to prove otherwise instead. It got me competitive and I couldn't afford to lose. The price I paid for the competition is too huge.

It's really a sweet thing to hear " I don't like this speaker", just like how the king said " I don't like this prophet" because these are the people who use the truth to rebuke us and make us a better person. Instead of avoiding them, we should really examine why we "don't like" them- because their words contains truth that can change and transform us. And changes don't come easy, most of the time, out of our comfort zone.

Rainbow

"If you want a rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." 

The reality is that,we put up with the rain but the rainbow often doesn't appear.

And then we got sick and learn to stop hoping for rainbow.

LAST DAYS

Last days always bring reminiscence.
Both the good & bad,
I miss those moments:

Enjoyable: Reading children books & poems together
Disappointed:  Laziness and lack of effort in your work
Joyful: Displaying curiosity and a teachable heart
Excited: Library visits & book exchange

What a range of emotions you can evoke.
Teaching really adds spice to my life.
I'm glad to have such a flavorful life.
Thank you, my pupils.

The Diary of a Darkened Soul

The greatest source of optimism, I would say, is Jesus.
He promised to take me home someday. A place where there's no blue, he says.

Head Size

22 March 2012, Thursday

My head is bigger than J, my handsome army boy.
It just couldn't fit into his beret.

Bishan

Bishan,

Whenever I pass by Bishan I remembered the day

You knelt in front of me, holding my knee cap tight together on that swing.

At that sandy playground, I broke to you my darkest and dirtiest secret that even I try to deny.

And you, accepted it with love.

That,That is the story of Bishan.

Lose

To lose,
I'm not ready.