when guilt and love comes along

the guilt, the love-- how should i react?? i couldnt look at you face to face, but to hide away in tears.

all i felt is guilt: i am a lousy servant.. i didnt do what you wanted mii to do, i let worry and fear rule over/ having full control mii instead of your seed.. in my mind, i wanted to talk to you, but in action.. i just do not dare to speak it out. you must be very disappointed bahx! im so guilty for not being good enough..

yet you give me love: why do you still give mii love, why do you answer my call?? i am not even worthy for all these..

how should i react: when i stand in your presence, i do not dare to look up onto you, i do not dare to see your face, i do not dare to talk to you, i do not dare to go near to you... im full of guilt, too unworthy to be called yours.. all i do is close my eyes to shed my tears, wad should i do? i just couldnt open my eyes to see you, lift up my head to see you.. i just couldnt talk to you, not even "im sorry"... all i heard is mii talking to myself, blaming myself for what i had done.. thinking why do you still bring mii near and answer mii, for that instant second, i was shocked.. i do not know how to react.. i hate myself for not giving my best to you,... in the end, i just couldnt stand it... i run and hide away

i just do not have the ability to speak in front of ppl : that why i quited prefect 2 years ago, that why i do not wish to continue to be a monitress this year.. that why i hated being a librarian and a sectional leader and band... i only mess things up and not helping all.. disappoint all the ppl.. so please please please do not ask mii to lead in any ways...

a hand

haix.. todae lead worship in cell group.. super super super scared niax... almost start to tremble and shiver le!!!.. words just cant flow from my mouth.. i tried to hold the hand of the one sitting beside me, at least it makes feel that i am not alone.. bt it just slip off.. why?? i couldnt find the warmth and the security, the support and the encouragement i found in baoxuan's hand.. i couldnt find the sweetest, the warmest hug i found in yu jie which melts all the worry and fear.. i couldnt find the *blink and the wink* when i scan around the room, i can only find it in band, they didnt hv to do anyting, didnt hv do sae a single word, just give a wink and a blink which lightens up my spirit, knowing that they are there to support and cast all my worry and fear away.. but when i scan around, i only found the stares of disapproving, thank you so much ppl, thank you for the actions that cease all my worry and fear silently.. although we don't it at work, we can feel it.... just simple gestures, holding hands tight together, hugging together, giving a sign of a blink and a wink... its more than enough

school holiday is ending!

this is the last saturday before school starts le!!.. so fast!!!... just finish 3 mock exams this week- e math, physics and chemistry.. haha, but many ppl didnt turn up in the end... haha.. half the hall is empty!!

went bugis with baoxuan yesterday, walk walk walk walk walk and walk walk walk... until very tired!! haha... but bought a watch, a shirt and a pair of mickey mouse earrings.. haha...

hiax... hope can switch back to "school mood" when school reopens, hiax.. dun bear to let holidae to over juz lyk dat!!

wedding sunday

18 june 2006- how many people choose this day for wedding?? i saw at least 3 wedding cars at different time at different places!!... haha..* happy occasion *

(x): going for camp le right?? take care and enjoy worx!!.. will miss you all alot de! :)

HoLiDae------ FLYING AWAY

june holidae- coming to an end soon. this is already the 2nd last week[ the only week that can be called a" holiday"] haha, next week is going to be another busy week!! mock exams after mock exams, extra lessons at least 4 hours a day!...

this week watch 2 movies-:

[omen]- with Chai min, kaserin and Hongyi, *2.5 stars* , its about something like "son of the demon", story line abit like "final destination"... haix, bt i doesnt have a nice ending!

[The Silent Hill]- with Bao xuan, * 3.5 stars* , its a story about a mum finding her daughter in the ruin city- the silent hill.. some scenes are very gross, tearing out the person's skin, burning live peroson to death- the way they burn the withches.. haha, this reminds me of my brother saying wanting to be a "wizard", checking out the books of " How to become a wizard/witch?" haha... wonder how real is wizard and witches in the world?? black magics and witchcrafts?? -scarii thoughts- : dont ever get near such stuffs.. haha, i wouldnt want a wizard in my house!!!! wahhahaha.... stay away..............

a rainy day

just now had a heavy rain, even my umbrella is of little use.. by the time i reach home is all wet. it's not a good experience, have you tried walking alone, holding on to the weak umbrella that is going to be blown away at anytime, shivering and trembling in cold, listening to the harsh cry of the wind, everything before you is blurry.. ??

hi little kitten, took a few photos for you, hope to see you next week. Take care, and stay away from naughty people and bullies!

AGAINST

she is just purely against the idea, against the belief that i had strongly rooted in my heart. she had never show any concern for my study, it's only till i ask her about going to church on sunday then she come up with excuses saying that " you need more time to study, your examinations are coming. it takes up too much of your time", OR things like "you are just being BRAINWASHED." She would rather me to go shopping with friends the whole day, spending money the whole day, rather than to allow me to go to church for just a few hours." wait till you are 21 years old, when you are more mature to make decisions for yourself "

WHY WHY and WHY?? WHAT DID I DO to make her so against the idea?? it seems that i had never been good enough in her mind before, everything i did is wrong. She has never been satisfied with with my actions. What wrong did i do??i know sometimes im lazy, but that doesnt mean i dont care.( to her, im just a selfish, irresponsible creature). i know sometimes i gets moody, but i had never vented my anger on her, i had never vent it on her properties, i had never broke a glass just because i was angry.[is this really so unaccptatble?? does she know that im already trying my best to bewhat she wanted? i CANT be PERFECT. can she understand this?] other then these, i don't cause her any trouble in school, i don't ask her for things, for extra money( which i obviously needed). Is all parents like this?? *honour your parents* it's so difficult. such a difficult situation, choosing between God and parents, both are important yet they can't exist together. If i choose God first, my relationship with mumii suffers.(Reverse is true). Can somebody help me? Who in this world can convince my mummi?

i told you so!

haha... i told you so!!!. since mummi is back, will have problems to use computer le... haha, that why so long never come update le... all most a week le bahx. we are back to the one week update once basis le!!..

holiday is flying pass.. two weeks gone!!.. can you imagine that? still got so much homeworks left undone and all of my holiday plan had not come true yet, i have'nt even watch a single movie yet!! how can??

"sistaship"- what is a sista?? i cannt promise you i can be your good sista anymore, i do not dress the same way as you do, i do not buy the same shoe as you, i do not make the same specs with you.. if you mean "sista" is having everything alike, im afraid i cant make a good sista to you..losing my style, my personality and to be customised to the way you want...but i can promise one other thing to you, although i can't make a good sista, but i will make a good friend to you de... we will share, we will talk, we will play, we will work, we will continue to have all the fun toghether!!.. nothing is gonna to change, onli the NAME is gonna to change... haha..

band camp(7,8 june): stayed for camp fire(my first time campfire in school) and overnight.. camp fire is so so, dun know many of the songs, haha, but thats not the important thing. i get to keep touch with all the juniors once again, i played my clarinet ( i miss the touch of the instrument and the sound of clarinet!!) walking around in the school in the middle of the night ( to our discovery,90% of our school light is not working at all!!) drinking hot milo, cocacola, playing cards, doing magics!! sleeping used to be my hobby de, but that night things go opposite way, sleeping make mii ache all over( this position make my spine pain, turning around make my neck pain...pain pain pain all over!!).. thatz when we have come up with many many plans, using mani chairs to build a bed, borrowing one table here and the other there to join into a bed.. many methods..each method like sleep for a few hours... haha... i don't know sleeping can be such a difficult chore!!..
the next day heard about their rank promotion, heard that our sectional leader is a flutist..hmmm, weird, first time is history bahx...
BAND: jia you bahx... no matter whatever challenges comes along.. face it mightily, overcome them all!! all the best to all band members!!

HaPPY birthday

happy birthday ju siang!!.. haha, may all your dreams come true and God bless!!..have a wonderful day ahead!! hee...

mummi coming back soon le.. so don't know when will be the next time i will be able to blog again.. sad right?? i will realli miss this one week of fun and adventure de!!..

a week of freedom

FREEDOM!!... is what i have always long for.. well, the dreams come true for a week.. hee... mummi is in australia and brothers are all in Malaysia!!

problem no. 1:"oh, how can i spend the night peacefully with myself alone in the dark?" *my fear= lonliness+darkness*
solution no. 1:" trusting in the Lord faithfully"- borrowed a bk abt spiritual warfare and fight the battle mightly with the devil

problem no. 2:" i am super super lazy, no more nice and delicious food lay before me?? *hungry!!*"
solution no. 2: - going "ta bao" with baoxuan
- cooking maggie mee
- eating hotdog
- eating dumplings
- baoxuan and jaslyn cooking for dinner!! ( yummi)
- skip!

problem no. 3: no more "alarm clock( mummii)".. gonna be late for school le!!! ( late for 20 min on the 1st day of remedial)
solution no. 3 : -baoxuan giving morning call(better method)
-setting 2 or 3 alram ( usualli no use either)

problem no. 4: nobodii is cleaning the house ( as i hv told you, i am super super lazy).. iron the clothes, washes the clothes, vaccuum the floor blah blah blah... without mum, the house is in a mess!!
solution no. 4:- NO CHOICE-DIY
- spring cleaning before they back in singapore bahx!

problem 5,6,7,8,9,.... blah blah blah...
so much problems!!! bt not forgetting the benefits!!
- TV IS MINE!!.. i can watch whatever show i like @ whatever channel@ whatever time..( no more fighting with brother for TV le!!)
- COMPUTERS!! ... i can online whenever i like, unlike when my mummi is back, use computer also have so much condition( do this first, do that first), like onli once or twice per week and each time like onli 1 to 2 hrs... what can i do?? now, computer is completely under my control!! muahahha...
- MY FREEDOM!! ... i can go wherever i want, back at any hour.. nobody is goin to nag and scold le.. haha, im so happii, totally happy.. went crazii!! able to go to every church activities, from cell group to sunday service to shopping of bookstores to bible study to sunday service to global day of prayer... a chain of church activities!!.. it has been so long since i realli totally experience the Lord, finding pure joy in Him.. *sweet as honey*

hai hai hai... all coming back on monday afternoon le... my one week of adventure has come to an end le.. also dun noe if it is a good news or bad news.. both good and bad bahx!! i realli miss the times when i can truely go to church and sing praises and worship Him with all my heart, with no worry deep inside, i would nt have to make difficult deciscions like " join cell grp or bible study"? i would miss the fun so much, i wonder when will the next happy moment come... once they are back, everything is gonna be back to normal le..

mummi ah mammi: can you just give me abit more of freedom??
1. let me have control over computer ( i will hv self-controlled de!! i will know when to play and when to stop de..)
2. let me go to church ( it's onli in the weekend. i will finish all my works before de, i will bring good testimony home de)
- a caged bird-

once a month bhax?

hii... im BACK.. at least i blog once a month right??hee... cause this few weeks quite busy with the chinese "O"level paper...*don't talk abt it le* result come then say bahx! holidae?? gt no more holidae le, still have so much of homeworks and everything to do.. ermz... see how much i can list bhax:

homeworks:
-Amath tys- 100 to 120 questions
-physics workbk- 6 chapters
-physics tys- about 40 questions
-geography worksheet- 1
-social study worksheet- 2
-english worksheet- 2?

projects:
-social study project- ministry of community developement, youth and sports

mock exams:
-eng: paper 1 & 2
-social study
-geography
-e. math: paper 1 & 2
-physics: paper 2
-chemistry: paper 2

ahem!! you see what i mean?? my holiday aim: finish every single one of my tasks!!